The Archive of Biffo

January 2008
January 30, 2008, 2:35 pm
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Blogger’s Cut

28 January 2008, 17:48:39 | Biffo

I’ve spent the last couple of hours pruning the blog, removing posts that were shameless (but now-defunct) plugs, things that made me cringe (because they were a bit whiny or self-pitying, or whatever), and things that upset people (sorry, specifically, to all fat people). And I’ve deleted most of summer ’07, because, man, that was dull. Mr Wheat has been firmly separated from dirty, dirty Mrs Chaff.I’m taking this opportunity to archive, and decide what to do with the blog. A few more changes may yet be forthcoming.



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December 2007
December 30, 2007, 2:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Review of the Year

21 December 2007, 00:32:29 | Biffo

I should apologise to everyone whose email I’ve failed to respond to over the past month. Work has been a bit on the torrential side since I got back from Guyana, and I’m acutely aware that there are a bunch of emails or messages which I put to one side to reply to later, and then forgot to “mark as unread”. And now they have all disappeared.So, sorry if you’re one of those people. It’s nothing personal, and I’m normally pretty good at (eventually) responding to emails, and that. If it makes you feel better, I’ve also failed, thus far, to send Christmas cards to any of my friends. I hope, after years of my useless, intermittent card-sending, they’ve finally learned to not necessarily expect one, and won’t take offence.

Also, further in my defence, I’ve been busy totting up the scores, and 2007 has been the most tumultuous year I’ve ever had, as far as work goes. Just get a load of this, fatty:
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November 2007
November 30, 2007, 2:31 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

The Monster Books of Fun

30 November 2007, 15:14:43 | Biffo

The Centre for Fortean Zoology has announced details of its official Guyana 2007 Expedition Report. Aside from the accounts of the other expedition members – Richard Freeman, Lisa Dowley, Jon Hare, and Dr Chris Clarke – I’ll also be writing a chapter.This isn’t to be confused with the other book I’m doing (on which I hope to have some interesting news in the new year), and any material I write for the Expedition Report will be exclusive to that remarkable publication.

Just so’s you know, the CFZ is a non-profit organisation, and all proceeds from the expedition report will go to finance future expeditions. Plus it’ll be a good read either way, and give you some insight – from the real monster hunters’ perspectives – as to how they thought the expedition went. The book will be published in early 2008, but you can pre-order your copy here.

Talking of the other book, I’m in desperate and quite urgent need of a title. I’m looking for something a bit Boys Own-y, a bit Alan Quatermain, a bit The Lost World. Something pulpy, like Quest for the Valley of the Something Something. You know the sort of thing: a title that explains exactly what the book is. Ie: me fannying around the world in pursuit of monsters for a year.

If you do have any flashes of inspiration that I end up using, I’ll ensure you get a special thanks in whatever form the book eventually takes. Also: one of my “special cuddles”.



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October 2007
October 30, 2007, 2:30 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Toe Hell and Back

31 October 2007, 10:10:09 | Biffo

My toe – damaged by some over-zealous toenail-cutting a week ago – is now oozing pus. This is happening precisely two weeks before I am due to start hiking around the most remote and sweaty crannies of South America, looking for things.
This is about the biggest badness that could happen at this point, short of my legs falling off, or getting irreversibly trapped inside a giant trombone. My hefty boots are sat here un-broken and unwearable, due to the intense pain in my swollen hoof-nugget. At this point I can see myself marching around the jungle in a pair of house slippers, and coming back with my lower legs and ankles covered with leech wounds, snake bites, and evidence of severe dying.

So, it’s off to the doctor’s this evening, for some antibiotics, and/or some sort of special toe-mending cream, in the hope it’ll get better before I leave – and in time to bust the back of my boots.

Nicely, tonight I get to see the lovely Doctor Beverley, rather than the evil Doctor Rhodes, who has a tendency to make you feel like you’re always wasting his time. Even if I went in there with my entrails hanging out of my shirt he’d probably sigh, rub the bridge of his nose, and snap “What do you want me to do about it?!!!!!?“. And then slap me around the face and neck with his stethoscope, before marching around the office, honking like a walrus.

In slightly better news, I’ve been told to bulk up for the trip. We will quite literally be existing on starvation rations for a fortnight – save for however many bags of pick n’ mix I can fit in my pack and gob – so I can, for now, eat like an absolutely ruddy pig.

You know: just for a change. Ahem.


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September 2007
September 30, 2007, 2:30 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Toe Jam

30 September 2007, 16:39:39 | Biffo

Anyone got any good advice on how to break in a pair of boots? Only, this is what my new US Army jungle boots just done to me: And if you think that’s bad, you should see the other toes…



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August 2007
August 30, 2007, 2:28 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Strong Gusts

31 August 2007, 15:42:30 | Biffo



Another two scenes from Now The Weather here. This roughly follows on from the previous extract, and features Peter the sports presenter – whose constant repetition of the same conversation proves to be an endless source of irritation for Gideon – and the first mention (in these extracts anyway) of Martin Trilby, the newsreader whose job is coveted by Gideon.
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July 2007
July 30, 2007, 2:26 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Tour! Tour! Tour!

31 July 2007, 09:16:43 | Biffo

And so… tomorrow, on the first day of the eighth month, in the year of our lord two thousand and seven, doest begin the Confessions of a Chatroom Freak Virtual Book Tour. Every day between tomorrow and Monday 13th August – barring weekends – I shall be taking over another blog.It kicks off tomorrow with the blog of Emma Kennedy, actress, author, and guest on Richard and Judy. Her new book, How to Bring Up Your Parents, is currently several tens of thousands of places higher than mine in the Amazon chart, so it must be several tens of thousands times better than mine.

Among the other lurid treats promised by the virtual book tour are at least three brand new LoopyLisa chat transcripts (one of which you’ll be able to read on Emma’s blog tomorrow), two exclusive interviews with Lisa (one of which is entirely about sheds), an interview with me courtesy of young Scaryduck, a fairly in-depth article on the writing of the book, aaaand… some other stuff. And I got interviewed for the arts show.

If I get the time, I’ll also be updating this blog with even more new LoopyLisa chats that you won’t be able to read anywhere else.

In the meantime, the book itself is on sale right here. Am I a good whore, daddy?



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